Reasons why I won't be having children

You only really need one but here are 18

It’s always seemed strange to me that those of us who don’t want to have children are often asked, ‘why not?’ but those who do want them are never asked to justify their life-changing choice. As an adult, I now realise that’s largely because society overall views having children as the norm, and things that go against any norm tend to invite curiosity and questions in an attempt to understand.

I know it can be frustrating to always face these questions and it would be great to reach a point where either life choice is merely accepted. I think we’re still quite some way from that happening, and I’m not sure we’ll arrive at that level of acceptance in my lifetime. In the meantime, I don’t believe refusing to answer the question is helpful, as if you shut the conversation down, it goes nowhere.

So, I wanted to share the reasons that I won’t be having children. I could list a lot more but these are the main ones that come to mind or come up in conversations. The first reason listed is the main overriding one but over time, as I’ve grown and come to learn more about myself and the world, other things have come into play too and further cemented the decision.

Are your reasons the same as mine? Let me know in the comments.

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1.     I’ve never felt any compulsion or desire to have them. This always has been and always will be the main one for me, and really, it’s the only one you need. If you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to. I often say that the deep-rooted desire some people feel telling them they do want children, I have the same strength of feeling except mine is the opposite. I can honestly say I’ve never even for one day thought I might have children; I’ve always known they just aren’t part of my future.

2.     Loud noises and situations make me very uncomfortable. I’ve never set foot in a nightclub, I hate packed pubs and I’ve even had to leave family functions that have got too loud. I carry earplugs with me at all times these days, which to be honest, has been pretty life-changing and I wish I’d thought of it years ago. My husband has often joked that my headstone will say something like, ‘died of a heart attack because someone did a loud sneeze’, and he might have a point! Children aren’t always noisy but they get excitable and don’t always master volume control until they’re older. It’s not their fault, but I know I wouldn’t cope well with it.

3.     I suffer with emetophobia. Having a phobia of vomiting has impacted my life since I was about ten years old. I’ve never managed to figure out exactly why it started, and I’ve tried counselling and hypnotherapy to overcome it, and although it’s marginally better, it’s still quite severe. If my children were ill, they’d need me to look after them but I’d be too busy having a panic attack and passing out, which wouldn’t be terribly helpful.

4.     We would struggle to afford to give them the opportunities and experiences we’d want them to have. By this, I don’t mean living in the lap of luxury and having all the latest toys or tech. I mean things like holidays, school trips, music lessons and sports classes. Ross and I both had these things and got a lot of value from them, they meant a lot to us and we’d want our children to have the same options. Given our current salaries against our rent and bills, it would be almost impossible.

5.     I’m an introvert. Obviously, plenty of introverts have children but as someone who enjoys social interaction but can also need time to decompress and recharge after, having someone constantly demanding attention would be too much for me.

6.     I like a quiet, calm home. Much like I said in reason two, children by their very nature can be noisy, unpredictable and endlessly energetic. The truth is, I also wouldn’t do well living with any adults who displayed the same characteristics.

Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash

7.     I like going to the theatre, concerts and restaurants, and all of those become very different (and difficult) with children. Generally, things like concerts and theatre outings are planned in advance but Ross and I do also make last-minute decisions to do things sometimes, and he works in the theatre industry, so will sometimes get invited along to things on short-notice. We can do these things with ease, without having to book in childcare weeks, or months in advance. I like my freedom and so does Ross. These are the things that make us happy and feed our souls.

8.     I want to travel a lot. Again, travel is totally possible with children but it becomes a very different experience. In a previous job, I got to spend time in four international offices, and those trips remain some of the best things I’ve ever done. Sure, maybe I still could have gone if we had children but Ross would have been doing month-long stints as a solo parent, and I’d probably have been judged as a bad mother for daring to be away from my children for long stretches. For the record, I think it’s fine for parents to do things like this but we all know society likes to tell mothers in particular they should give up everything for their children.

9.     We don’t have the local support network we’d probably need. Our family and friends are all very spread out, and quite a few of those that are local are involved in shift work. So, our options for help with babysitting etc. would be very limited.

10.   I don’t have the patience. Recently I saw a woman desperately trying to do the shopping with a child who was screaming endlessly and kept lying on the floor and refusing to move. I don’t know what had upset her but I know I don’t have the inclination to be in a position where even the simplest of tasks has the potential to become a battle.

11.   I would have wanted to have done it by now. Granted, you don’t always get to choose exactly how life plays out, and I have no idea whether I can even have children but I do know that if I was going to have them, then ideally, I would have done it by 35, and not be doing it this close to 40. No judgement on anyone who does have children beyond their thirties, my mum only just had me before she reached that milestone birthday. It’s purely a personal preference.

12.   I’m only just getting my own life together. I’m finally at a point where I feel comfortable and know what I want in life and work. If I’d had children already, I don’t think I’d have felt sure enough of myself to handle everything that comes with being a parent.

Photo by Matt Howard on Unsplash

13.   The world is a mess. It’s a depressing one, I know, but when I think about the environment, politics, poverty, violence levels etc. I just can’t imagine bringing a child into this and having to explain it all and help them navigate through it. Dealing with it for ourselves proves difficult enough at times. I know these world struggles have always existed but for some reason it feels different right now, more heightened somehow.

14.   Handling social media with a child would be a nightmare. Friends and I have often said we will be eternally thankful that we didn’t have to get through school and our formative years alongside social media. If I’m honest, I’d want to keep my children away from it entirely but that would be an impossible feat.

15.   There are too many people here already. Sure, me not having children isn’t going to save the planet, but whether we face up to it or not, we are pushing our luck with the world’s resources.

16.   You can undo pretty much all other choices in life. Bad job? Get a new one. Chosen the wrong partner? Split up. Drunken tattoo? Get it removed. You can’t undo a child. Lots of people have said to me, variations of ‘you could just have one, you might enjoy it’. That’s true, maybe I would be surprised and find that I actually love being a mother but the what happens if I don’t?

17.   I don’t think I could handle the pressure. The expectation that is particularly placed on mothers, to get everything right and be perfect, is absolutely outrageous. I don’t think my mind is strong enough.

18.   There actually isn’t an 18^th reason. I just prefer even numbers, and don’t like odd numbers that aren’t divisible by five. Sorry 17.

What are your reasons for not having children?