A lot of my thoughts over the last few months have been focussed around one main question – what do I want?
I believe the answer to that question is rarely fixed over time, and is more likely to alter as you age, learn and experience things. For a long time, I wanted to be a barrister but that changed when I realised I wasn’t a fan of public speaking, which probably wouldn’t have played out too well in court. So, it was back to the drawing board to choose a different career path.
All we can ever do is make choices based on the information we have available to us at the time, but it can be so easy to be swayed by the opinions and expectations of others. I’m 38 and based on societal norms, I should probably have figured out what I wanted to do for a living a long time ago and be in a senior-ish role in that career, own a house, be married and have a couple of children.
The reality is, although I am married, I only truly figured out what I want from my career last year, we live in a rented house and will definitely not be having children. Sure, I kind of wish I’d figured out the work stuff a few years ago but ultimately, I’m glad I got here and have the opportunity to pursue things. I have no regrets about our rented house – we love it but wouldn’t be able to afford to buy it, the area is great, and it works perfectly in terms of location for work and not moving too far away from my mum who needs assistance with some things. And I think the name of this Substack tells you how I feel about having children.
When I worked as a content marketing consultant for a few years, I joined some business networks and memberships. Almost daily I’d see people posting about how much they wanted to have a ‘six-figure business’ and there were plenty of coaches who said they could show them how to get there. I reached a point where I felt like that’s what I should want too and convinced myself that I must be doing something wrong if I couldn’t hit those numbers. Eventually I came to realise that when I thought about what I really wanted in life, I didn’t actually need a six-figure income to do those things. Likewise, when I reached the decision to walk away from consulting and return to working for someone else. Everyone in my networks swore they’d never go back to ‘traditional employment’ having worked for themselves, but I was missing being part of a team and the unpredictable income was a nightmare.
Whilst everyone else seemed to want businesses bringing in £100k plus and thrived on the pressure of everything being their responsibility, I wanted to be back in the safety of an office, with colleagues, contributing to something that was a team effort, with a reliable monthly salary. So, in 2022 that’s what I went out and got.
In hindsight, it took me longer than I probably would have liked to get to a point where I’m comfortable with the fact that I often don’t want the things that I’m ‘supposed’ to want, but now that I am more settled in that, it feels quite liberating. I can finally go after the things that matter to me but without unnecessary pressure.
Here are some things the world, through various mediums, tried to convince me I should want but I’ve come to realise I either don’t want at all, or they just don’t bother me very much and I’d rather put my energy elsewhere:
- A bigger house (and own it rather than rent)
- Children
- Bigger boobs
- To be taller
- Central stalls seats at the theatre
- A more senior job position
- A six-figure salary
- A master’s degree (I would actually quite like to do one but more for my own interest than something to enhance my career)
- To have been drunk
- Run a marathon
Despite thinking I’d learnt my lesson a couple of years ago, I still caught myself falling into the ‘should want’ trap with Substack. I came here to have a creative outlet, get back into writing and hopefully create a little community and cross paths with likeminded people. Then I saw the articles about how people had turned their Substack into their job, or how writing here had got them invited to speak at big events. Like a scared turtle, I sucked my head back into my shell and didn’t touch this corner of the internet again for over a year.
When I started to ask myself in the latter part of last year, ‘what do I want?’ this Substack was still very much something I wanted. I just needed to accept that everyone comes here for different reasons, stop with the pressure and learn to enjoy it. If I’m lucky enough for it to get to a point of generating a full-time income (when I turn on a paywall in the future), that would be amazing, but it’s not actually what I came here for. I came to write freely and to connect.
In terms of my personal life, I’m trying not to put too many numbers on goals. I’ve always been one for going along the lines of, ‘I’ll do four workouts a week’, ‘I want to visit 12 new places in London this year’ or ‘I’ll read 20 books this year’. I’m starting to look at things more as building blocks, one month to the next, rather than going for the big bang in one go. So, if I did no workouts last month, then I’ll aim for one a week because even that is an improvement, and any extras are a bonus. Then the next month it can be two, that way it’s all an improvement but with slightly less pressure.
As for things like travelling and reading, these things are meant to be pure pleasure, so quite why I tend to turn them into some sort of test to be passed, I have no idea! I’m trying to train myself out of this habit and accept that nobody other than me is keeping track, and quite frankly, nobody else cares how many books I read in a year.
When it comes to which goals to aim for in the first place, there are two questions for me:
1. Will it make me happy?
2. Do I care about it and really want it? Not because somebody told me I should want it, but because I actually want it.
So, here are some things I’m working towards. It’s a mix of short-term wins and some on-going, long-term projects that might take more time or need to have finer details ironed out first. Some may stay and some may change over time, but these are my starting points for now.
- Continue broadening my film viewing (I aimed for one a week last year but that didn’t work out, and because I’d set that target, I felt like I failed at the end of the year. So, this year, it’s more about making a point of watching films instead of mindlessly scrolling on Instagram.)
- Allow myself to enjoy reading, and remember it’s not a competition!
- Continue to improve my fitness and take better care of my body.
- Travel as much and as often as possible.
- Take more risks when choosing theatre shows to see.
- Find a job where I am happy and it affords me the opportunities in my personal life to do the things I love.
- Learn to play tennis (properly).
- Learn to swim.
- Live in another country (even if it’s only for six months).
- Study for a master’s degree.
- Buy land and build a house from scratch.
What have you realised you don’t want in life? And what goals are you working towards? Let’s chat in the comments.
Again so much of this resonates with me. I went through a period of questioning everything a few years ago and haven’t stopped since. I figured out the fancy job title and big salary weren’t what I wanted but what I thought I should want. I also went freelance as a consultant but am now working for a company but a few steps down the ladder and couldn’t be happier. It aligns with what I want from life and my values. That was what I was missing the first time around. But it takes as long as it takes to figure it all out.
Love this. I’m often encouraged at work to apply for promotions or even move to a different org entirely with my boss’s blessing, just for a bigger job title but I’m not interested and it really confuses people!!
I’d also love to learn to do front crawl properly this year rather than breast stroke. And I’m intrigued by the central stalls.... do you now have a preferred area?