Reflections from an introverted friend pt.1

Do all connections need to be deep?

Photo by Duy Pham on Unsplash

“Don’t judge everyone by your own standards.”

I first heard these words many years ago as a child, from my mum. I heard them again and again, any time I became frustrated by someone else’s behaviour. I couldn’t fathom why other people would be mean, callous, ungenerous or unsympathetic, because it completely goes against who I am as a person.

It’s not that I believed I was always right or that my behaviour was perfect but to me, being kind and thoughtful seemed like such basic and simple parts of human interaction, why on earth wouldn’t everybody be the same?

I was also someone who always made an effort for people and wanted to build long-standing friendships, where you really bond and get to know each other. Not fleeting interactions that might change every few months.

Looking back, I can see how idealistic and naïve that world view was and, in a way, my mum’s words were a slightly softened way of warning me, ‘the world isn’t always going to be as you might like it to be.’

Ultimately, I haven’t changed as a person, I still pride myself on being a loyal and caring friend, I like to be thoughtful and do nice things for people, and it still stings when those things don’t come back to me. I’ll admit, I can be a bit of an ‘all or nothing’ friend – what’s the point of doing something if you don’t give your all? And it can be tough when someone is important to you and you have to accept that maybe they don’t value your relationship as much. But does that mean it has no value at all, and do all connections have to result in deep friendship?

I think as an introvert, something I struggle with is that I’m not always great with surface-level connections. Small talk is exhausting and I find it very tedious. I seek out deeper connections, and am happy to disappear into a conversation with you covering wide and varied topics, even if we only met an hour ago. It’s in my nature to always want to build stronger ties with people but the world often tells us that more is better, and that applies to friends too. The downside of more friends is that it often means you don’t invest any meaningful time, brain space or energy into any of them because you’re spread too thinly. I’ve come to accept that this is the case for a lot of people, and it explains how it can be so easy to fall off of someone’s radar.

This week, I came across an article about having a small friendship group as an adult and wondering whether you’ve failed at friendships. It’s something I too have often thought about. I’ve never had an overly long list of friends and if I’m being honest, I can count my closest friends on one hand. I’ve had others along the way that I refer to as friends, but are really more acquaintances I share some common ground with. I enjoy their company and we have a nice time when we go out, but would they be the ones I’d call if I was really in a bind? Probably not.

And there’s the rub. I’ve come to realise that using the term ‘friend’ as a catch-all, means that my own expectations can be far higher than most of the people I interact with. My friends probably only amount to about five people and I don’t see that as failing. It’s also absolutely fine to enjoy the company of acquaintances in the simplest ways, even if my introverted side tries to convince me there should be more. We go out, we eat, we watch theatre, we walk, we chat, and then go our separate ways until the next time.

If you enjoy the company of someone, does it always have to result in a long, deep, friendship? I’m starting to think it doesn’t.

Granted, I think I’ll always revel in a deep conversation and crave more insightful relationships, but there are billions of people in the world, and so many tiny things have to line up to result in paths crossing. So, when you meet someone you connect with on any level, why shouldn’t you relish that experience? It doesn’t matter whether they turn out to be someone you occasionally visit tiny music venues with to indulge your shared love of an obscure band, or someone who gets you through your darkest days. I often feel that we’re losing too much real-life interaction due to so much of life being conducted online, so grabbing hold of in-person connections that feel good, seems like something we should do whenever we can.