Careful the things you say, children will listen
Thoughts on self-image and comparison
Is it too late to wish you all a happy new year? I hope not - HAPPY NEW YEAR! 🎉
Settling into a new job and the rapid passing of last year brought another long gap between my posts here and quite frankly my own inconsistency has been frustrating me. I set this up as a creative outlet but also because I wanted to open up conversations and connect with people.
I subscribe to quite a few Substacks but as much as I like reading their pieces, comparison started to creep in. Some of them have been very successful here, would I ever do as well as them? Others are incredibly eloquent and witty, what if my writing isn’t as good as theirs? Some have lived many and varied experiences in life, what if I’m not as interesting?
You get the picture.
When I think about it, I know that a lot of this stems from two tiny words - ‘you’re boring’.
These words have been etched into my psyche for decades now. I started hearing them as a child and although less frequently as an adult, they have still cropped up.
I’ve never been a rule-breaker, I enjoyed school and studying, I’ve never smoked or taken drugs and I’ve never been drunk. I hate loud, unpredictable situations and that means I rarely go to parties, tend to avoid pubs and restaurants at peak times, and have never set foot in a nightclub. Not really traits that are likely to make you one of the cool kids!
Then, a recent conversation caught me off-guard and reminded me that what one person may think is cool or interesting, another could find cheesy, weird or mind-numbingly dull. Also, whilst you think someone is great, they might hold an entirely different belief about themselves.
Even though I can now, as an adult, look back and see those two words as a form of bullying and control, they’ve lived in my mind so long that they still occasionally come back to haunt me and hold me back. It’s incredible to think of how impressionable children can be and how seemingly small incidents can live on forever.
It’s fascinating too, to see how much of an impact wider society and media can get into your mind as a child and later shape your thoughts as an adult. We’re often told that success means being top-dog, a manager, a CEO, working for a big-name company, earning a hefty salary etc. As a woman, you’re not meant to age physically, but you do have to dress and behave appropriately for your age (whatever that means?!), and you need to have children otherwise you’ve failed and your life has no meaning.
I wrote previously about how when I was younger, I never really cared what people thought of me. Sure, the ‘boring’ thing lived in my mind but I never actually changed who I was in an attempt to alter that. But I swear, as I’ve become older, the more self-doubt has crept in. Shouldn’t I have been through this as a teenager and not someone who’s nearly 40?! Please tell me I’m not the only one.
Other musings have included:
I’ve always really liked hats but will I look silly if I wear one?
Am I too old for this jacket?
Have I worn the same makeup so long that people will think I look odd if I change it now?
Am I too old to dress up for the Taylor Swift concert?
Should I be further ‘up the ladder’ in my career by now?
Can I really travel solo?
I think it’s safe to conclude that whether it’s sharing thoughts or opinions in articles on Substack, or making fashion choices, I ultimately don’t want to be laughed at or considered unsuccessful or boring. I don’t think anybody really wants those things but some people can push through easier than others.
I’m not entirely sure why or when these little doubts and questions started seeping in but conversations and things I’ve seen over the last couple of months have made me see that it needs to stop.
Recently, people I know have celebrated milestones in their businesses, despite others telling them it would never work; in my day job I work in recruitment, and I’ve seen multiple people have complete career changes at various stages; and then someone introduced me to
, an entire Substack offering statistical analysis of various aspects of culture – Niche? Sure. Interesting? Very! … But probably dull to some and that’s okay.On top of that, I received a couple of very lovely DMs on here from people who had read my articles, and one person even took out a paid subscription despite me not having published for a few months. That was certainly a lovely confidence boost (and kick up the bum!). I’ve also had an idea for another Substack, so if I’m going to run two of these things, I need to get my act together ASAP!
And in case you were curious about the previously mentioned musings / questions…
I actually did buy a hat, a lovely fedora from Reiss. I haven’t worn it yet but I’m working on it.
My husband has assured me I’m not too old for the jacket and he says ‘it’s awesome’. I’m really glad I bought it.
I have started experimenting a little more with my makeup, mostly different eyeshadows and lipstick colours. I’m still not convinced I can pull off a red lip but so far the rest has been good, and I’m definitely developing an addiction to Trinny London.
I did dress up for Taylor and have zero regrets. It was the BEST night!! 🪩
I see so many people my age who are managers of teams, directors, VPs or Chief of something. The truth is, if I get there that’s fine but ultimately, I want to be happy in my work and have a good work-life balance. I can honestly say I have those things right now and it feels really good.
I have no idea whether I’ll enjoy travelling solo but it looks like I’m going to find out later this year. I’ll keep you posted.
P.S. For the theatre fans amongst you, yes, I did borrow the title of this article from the musical genius, Stephen Sondheim.